Sunday, January 27, 2013
Meankitty Review: Just Breathe by Kendall Grey
The first thing you have to understand about this book is that a lot of it takes place in the water or when it's raining. The book is about a musician magic something or other human named Gavin with tattoos made by ink instead of cat claws who wants to get busy with this weird female human named Zoe who likes to immerse herself constantly in water. I know, right?
Zoe swims around talking to whales all the time and is depressed because Gavin offed her in the previous book. Granted, a villainess tricked him into it, but it takes me personally a while to forgive when the humans boot me off the counter, so I can understand it might be taking Zoe a while to come to terms with Gavin booting her from the land of the living.
Yeah, yeah, she got BETTER, but still.
Mixing it up with the Gavin/Zoe romance of watery sadness is a war between magical characters called Elementals (Waeter, Fyre, Aer, Erthe), who are monitored by magical human Sentinels. All of these two-leggers can use Elemental Powers (which the author kindly spells differently than the people Elementals, so we don't get confused).
The Sentinels can visit a dreamland place, where one presumes there are some damn CATS although none are mentioned, but the Elementals aren't supposed to. When Fyre Elementals hijack the Dreaming, they start killing off humans and causing general havoc, so the characters in Just Breathe (the 3rd in the trilogy) have to beat some Fyre ass and get a new boss type to helm the Waeter Elemental Grody Wet Fishy Smelling Brigade so the Fyres can't torch the entire world.
(Side note: I never understand in books with human eaters like demons, vampires, so on and so forth--why the predator types seem perfectly happy to devour ALL the prey types? What will they eat when the prey are gone? Grass? Their poop? I don't think so! Cats know that some of the mice you only PLAY WITH but leave relatively intact so they will make babies. But I don't get the impression most of the Fyres besides the one called Sinnder are supposed to be very smart--they have personalities of weasels, really--so I think that explains why they think it's a good plan to take over the world, burn it up, and snack on all the people's souls, or whatever it is they like to do...)
Back to the actual plot summary. Since the Elementals and Sentinels have to fight the Fyres, they can't really fight Fyre with Fire, so this means using a lot of WATER. This book is soggy. Seriously. If it were paper instead of electronic, it would dribble when you picked it up. With tears and water and rain. On the first page, the heroine is swimming. SWIMMING. She literally jumps off a boat and into the ocean, where there's no bottom, because the ocean, my friends, leads all the way to salty ass HELL. Why do people keep getting me to review books with all this blasted water and no cats? I have no idea.
Here's a handy tally:
Cat Count: 0
Kitty Count: 0
Feline Count: 0
Tiger Count: 0
Whisker Count: 0
This is pitiful, people. PIT. I. FUL.
Lion/ess Count: 1 (not counting one stupid SEA LION, because SEA)
Dog Count: 5, with one character actually having a dingo named Harriet as a pet. We agree when the character says, "Stupid dingo."
Fish Count: 1-3, with "edible by the cat" types of fish being 0, because cats do NOT eat chocolate body paint. That is not healthy.
Bird Count: several, but none, again, being the edible type.
Tuna Count: 0
Milk Count: 6, though some of the milk mentioned comes out of whales. Weird! Who knew if you smashed up fish enough, they made milk? Sounds tasty. Like whale smoothie? Somebody needs to send me some of that whale milk. It would beat the dregs from the cereal bowl handily.
In summary, this story has a lot of cussing, which I like, though I prefer to cause it. This story has a lot of action and fighting, which I like, though I'd rather be beating up the neighbor's cat. This story has a lot of water, which I detest. Utterly. And this story has some human romance stuff, which I tolerate, because I gather if there's enough romance between some types of humans, you eventually get Pink Things and the Pink Things eventually master their opposable thumbs and learn to feed you under the table.
I'll rate this one two hairballs, a terd and a half-decent nap on the back of the couch. Typing Slave said it was good, but she's an idiot who voluntarily takes showers, like, once or twice a WEEK.
Meankitty (aided by Typing Slave, for the typing)
www.meankitty.com * www.jodywallace.com
PS: You can see where I felt sorry for the poor human author who forgot to put cats in her book and cattified it here: http://blog.jodywallace.com/2013/01/cattification-just-bathe-cat.html
Check out the author's site for links to giveaways and the book and stuff here: http://www.kendallgrey.com/?page_id=4303
If you're boring and want to see some HUMAN-authored review of the book, there are some on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Just-Breathe-ebook/dp/B00AY0K0TC/