Meankitty Wants to Know: Sela Carsen's DOG

Again, this is from author Sela Carsen, who kindly typed this for her DOG, Oliver. To see my interview with Sela, click here.

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1) So, your human writes books. Are they (a) full of praise and hyped up lies about dogs; or (b) do they contain interesting stories? If A, interview is over. If B, you may continue.

A and B! Ha! Gotcha Kitty! She wrote a cat once, but it was before she met me. Her taste has improved infinitely.

2) If writers are supposed to be so smart, why does your writer have a dog instead of a cat when it's common knowledge cats are better? Does that mean your writer isn't very smart?

My Writer is brilliant. And devoted. She gives me loves and hugs and she doesn’t care about hair on her black sweaters.

3) So why did your human end up a writer instead of an animal sanctuary owner or something like that?

She likes to write. She hates to clean up dog-sick. I hear there’s the potential for dog-sick at animal sanctuaries.

4) Does being a writer mean your human is home all day and easy to access? What is her day like?

She sits down in front of her computer and eats her cereal. This is a bad time for me as I’m not allowed on her lap. However, her desk is cunningly positioned in front of a heating vent, so I lay down there until breakfast is over. Then I lay in her lap for loves and hugs and a short nap before her other pets get up. They only have two legs, so I have to be gentle with them. I very gently pin the littlest one on the floor and lick him. I keep trying to make him smell right – y’know, doggy – but my Writer keeps washing him.

Once the little ones are at school, the big Not Writer Man and I bark at each other for a while. Then it goes back to the routine of sleeping on the heater vent, laying in her lap, then making her get up and think I have to go potty when all I really want to do is stare through the patio door. Lather, rinse, repeat.

5) As a dog, you're probably not devious or fascinating, but on the off-chance you do have feline traits, what are your techniques for distracting your human during crucial writing moments?

Mostly it’s the smell. I have a gift, I admit it proudly. I am gifted with copious amounts of digestive gas, which I am able to release into the atmosphere at carefully timed moments when my Writer is particularly intent on her writing. It may seem crude, but it’s definitely effective. She gets all teary-eyed and everything.

6) What indignities and neglect have you suffered because of your human's writing career (besides the absence of a cat to properly rule the house)?

When I’m told to get off the lap. No more loves and hugs. This is usually after one of my well-timed gas attacks.

7) Tell me about the felines in your human's fiction. How often do they appear and how big a part do they play?

Well, there was that one cat she wrote, but it was before she met me. I can forgive past indiscretions. But this new story – wow! She even wrote about me and her previous glorious Boxer in the dedications! The character is great! He’s a good protector and he’s very bouncy, he loves to bark at strangers, and he smells just like me! She even named him Twister because that’s what I do when I get happy. I twist my body all over the place. This comes from having no tail, so we Boxers just substitute our entire back half when we wag.

8) When your human gets together with other writers, do they spend half their time sniffing each other's butts like dogs do?

Not that I’ve noticed. It’s all about the upper torso for these guys. Hugging, kissing on cheeks. I don’t get it.

9) What is your human's next project (bonus points if you answer: getting a cat)?

She’s writing something that makes her get all red in the face and she has to stop and wave her hands around her cheeks. I tried to tell her that panting works better when you’re overheated, but I think she ended up writing that into the story. And I don’t think there are any dogs in it. Or cats. She has a picture of a dragon up on her desk, though. Hmmm. I wonder if dragons are good to play with?

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Sela's website is: www.selacarsen.com

Sincerely,
MK the Tolerant (so shut up all you haters!)