The Magnet Mailing

Time for a timeline! Really, when I do them, it's more a whineline. I should copyright that.

Anyway, today Loud Thing went down for a nap without too much struggle. I turned off "Man Vs. Wild" and dashed to my computer so I could use my approximate two hour window most effectively. Here's what happened instead:

1:00: Loud Thing konks. Turn off TV and repair to computer.

1:20: Working, working, working, sans Klingon. So happeeee! Answer emails, collect votes on my Catku project, format mailing labels for my magnet mailing to the Meankitty fans who are getting free loot.

1:21: Phone rings. It is the school making sure Pink Thing is supposed to ride the bus today. There is a substitute teacher in her class who does not know the children's schedule.

1:23: Loud Thing stirs. Sit on couch, pat Loud Thing until stirring ceases.

1:29: Send mailing labels to upstairs printer. Must to do all printing when Loud Thing is asleep or otherwise supervised, as she is a total PITA in the upstairs bonus room where lurks my real desk and computer, all my office stuff, a billion comic book boxes, several racks of vintage clothes, a sewing machine, a play stove and dishes, two filing cabinets, hundreds of books, etc. In other words, it's not really safe for toddlers. (For those who are uninitiated, "PITA" is a nice way of saying Pain In The Awesome. Yeah, that's it.)

1:30: Run up the stairs. Printer is not printing. Run downstairs to laptop.

1:32: Reboot laptop. Send print job again. Run upstairs.

1:34: Printer still not printing. Reboot upstairs computer.

1:36: Run downstairs. Send print job again. Run upstairs.

1:38: Printer still not printing. Do the "cursing mad dance." Shake printer and hear something clatter to the floor behind the giant desk. Realize printer is not hooked up to network. In a daring bit of bravado, balance above stairwell while hanging onto the bannister (it's the only way to reach the back of the giant desk) and plug printer back in.

1:42: Printer prints out 3 copies of my mailing labels. On plain paper, because I have not yet loaded the label paper.

1:45: Run back downstairs. In a fit of cleverness, save mailing labels through the network onto the upstairs computer. Run back upstairs.

1:48: Access mailing labels upstairs. Send to printer. Hear a thump downstairs.

1:50: Run back down the stairs; baby still sleeping. Big D is looking suspicious in the kitchen. Shoo him off counter.

1:52: Run back upstairs. Have forgotten to load mailing label paper into printer again. Discard print job on plain paper, load mailing label paper, send print job for 5th time.

1:55: Have labels! Yays!

1:56: While upstairs, compose very short letter that will go in loot envelope.

2:01: Hear thump downstairs. Run down the stairs. Baby is still asleep. Big D is looking suspicious in the dining room. Shoo him off table.

2:01: Run back up the stairs. Finish letter, send to printer. It's freakin' hot up here. Remove shirt, mop sweat.

2:08: Realize first several copies of letter were on label paper. Re-send copies of letter.

2:15: Print job is complete -- labels and letters alike. Yay! Run back down the stairs. Begin putting labels on the many envelopes that must be mailed and stuffing them with folded letters.

2:25: Thirsty. Take a break from stuffing. Look for the loot that is supposed to go into the packets. Find catnip mice but realize I only have half of the magnets I ordered; the other half apparently never arrived.

2:30: Tear up house looking for missing magnets.

2:40: Fail utterly. Call place where I ordered magnets. Get person on other end who is as loud as a whisper and whose English is heavily accented.

2:42: Loud Thing, woken by the many times I have said, "HUH?" and "CAN YOU REPEAT THAT?" in the space of 2 minutes, wakes up and starts crying.

2:43: Say, "Huh?" Cannot hear over the crying.

2:44: Pick Loud Thing up; give her the baby jounce. Now the screaming is closer. Say, "Can you repeat that?" to customer service rep.

2:46: Cannot sedate child with pacifier, bottle or begging. Stuff Loud Thing in playpen in bedroom. Shut door. Loud Thing is so loud this only helps a little.

2:47: Say, "Can you repeat that?" 80 more times over the next 13 minutes, except when I'm on hold, which is a lot of the time.

3:00: Get off the phone, having secured their promise to re-mail missing magnets. Loud Thing has cried so much she has kipped snot all over herself. Feel kind of bad. Change her clothes and diaper and comfort her sweetly.

3:06: Return to interrupted stuffage project. Sit in chair. Loud Thing stands beside me, wails and headbonks my leg.

3:08: Attempt to stuff envelopes while holding baby. Do not succeed.

3:10: Fill cup with Dora cereal and give it to Loud Thing. Return to stuffage project.

3:15: Have finished letters and begin inserting magnets. Some of the magnets are slightly too big for the envelopes.

3:16: Do another version of the cursing mad dance. Loud Thing likes dancing and joins me, spraying Dora cereal all over our dance floor with abandon.

3:18: Pick up Dora cereal. This is harder than it sounds because the slightly moist stars stick to the floor and my hands like mailing labels. While I'm picking up cereal, Loud Thing grabs a stack of envelopes and runs off.

3:19: Chase baby around house. So, some of the free loot envelopes are just going to have baby goo on them. They'll dry.

3:23: Return to stuffing project. To postpone the issue of the overlarge magnets, tear open the bag of catnip mice and make sure THEY will fit in the envelopes. They will.

3:26: Retrieve scissors from junk drawer and attempt to cut a centimeter off the top of the large magnet.

3:27: It looks like crap. Grabbing toddler under my arm, run up the stairs to find the paper cutter. Will it cut magnets? One can only hope.

3:29: Luckily the paper cutter was out in the open. Return to downstairs, holding screaming, struggling toddler securely to my chest. Told you she was a PITA up there.

3:39: While standing at the kitchen counter so my supplies are out of reach, trim overlarge magnets. The entire time, Loud Thing clings to my legs and beats me with her skull, her preferred form of protest.

3:40: Return to kitchen table to stuff magnets. Big D is on the table rolling around in a fit of catnip-induced exstasy while Meankitty perches on the corner and yowls. (Meankitty's note: That big terd was hogging the good stuff!) There are catnip mice and crinkle balls all over the table and the dining room floor. Also, envelopes.

3:42: With Loud Thing's "help", gather envelopes, mice and crinkle balls. Most of the mice are somewhat moist. At least they aren't torn open. Fight with Loud Thing over the possession of one particularly moist mouse.

3:45: Big D and Meankitty are still under the influence and get into a huge, snarling, drugged-up fight on the table. Loud Thing shrieks and climbs into my chair in an attempt to join them. I mean, what a party!

3:46: Big D and Meankitty race around the house like drunken hyenas. Loud Thing chases them. Take advantage of her absence to stuff moist mice into the envelopes of the really really extra lucky Meankitty fans.

4:05: Realize I can't stuff the overlarge but carefully cropped magnets into the envelopes with the mice already in there.

When daughter #1 arrives home on the bus some 5 minutes later, Loud Thing and I are STILL doing the cursing mad dance, Meankitty and Big D are still running amuck, and there is still sticky Dora cereal all over the living room carpet.

So what makes YOU do the cursing mad dance?

JW

PS: I plan to mail the magnet packets this week, if you're keeping track! I wonder what kind of whineline that trip will create?